Thursday, October 25, 2018

Building My Web





I carried many worries with me as I sat down at my computer that day.  Taking just a few moments for myself, I quickly glanced through my emails deleting those which were not worth my time to even open.  With so much on my shoulders … so many demands which became both stressful and isolating … I could at least rid myself of the unnecessary messages that were beckoning me from my computer screen.  An email from Chester County Night School?  Hmmm.  My fingers hovered over the delete button.  Thoughts began to snake through my mind.  The responsible Denise berating me for even considering leaving Jim alone for hours so that I could do something for myself.  The selfish Denise crossed her arms and announced that she was tired of living her life for someone else and began having a tantrum so that she could get what she wanted.  Truth be told I had begun to recognize my feelings of resentment along with those of stress and isolation.  I loved and cared for my husband, but there was more to ME than being that loving caretaker.  With a show of rebellion my hand moved from the delete button and to the one that would open the email.

Habit had me first looking through the classes offered for photography.  My world was a happier place when I had a camera in my hand.  Yet somehow it didn’t seem enough.  An intuitive voice whispered, “Not quite.  Keep going.”  And then, Centered Writing - Mindful Memoirs.  Oh.  The memory of friends’ voices echoed in my mind.  “Your words are powerful.  Find a way to use them.”  

How was this going to work?  I can’t leave Jim to go that far for a class.  Especially at night.  Yet there was a whispered tugging, and with a simple trust I shrugged off the reasons why it could not possibly work and registered for the class.  Heart strings began to form.  

A few weeks later I began the class as a widow.  Life had become surreal in its grief and uncertainty.  “Centered Writing,” yes, but my center had become shock and grief.  How could I bring that heaviness into this group of people?  It seemed unfair to them.  However, those heart thread connections reached out across my fears.  The first bit of foundation was laid so that trust could be built.  Throughout the following weeks my written words helped moved me forward so that I was not stuck in the place of my grief.  And the foundation of trust permitted me to speak my written words aloud.  Rather than resenting the weight of my emotions the strong, open-hearted women listened in class, thanked me for trusting them with my words, and applauded my courage.

It is said that we exist in the web of life.  I taught in elementary school science that a spider does not get caught in the web of her making because she knows which strands are sticky and to be avoided. She also has oil on the bottom of her feet which counteracts the web’s glue.  Yet no matter how well prepared or knowledgeable the winds of a storm can tear through her web and destroy it.  My web was destroyed as the winds of change blasted through my world with Jim’s passing.  As my life was ripped apart I was left overwhelmed and frightened.  


Yet those winds of change can be positive.  I realized that if a spider’s web is destroyed she simply begins to build a new one.  The strong silken strands come from within her.  So to can my world, my web, be rebuilt.  All that I need is inside of me.  The consuming demands of caring for a loved one have been lifted - yanked - from my shoulders.  With that I am free to find my voice.  I am free to be my web’s center.  And as my web building begins I have my first real friends of my new life nearby.  These women - my classmates - connected to me through the silken web-like strands of our heart strings.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Hush

Today my world is hushed as a late winter storm blankets the earth and creates my very own snow globe.  The anticipation of Spring with the warmth of its sun, new life peeking up from the ground, and birdsong filling the air is now forced to wait.  Today my world is hushed.

The demands and responsibilities of the past weeks are not permitted to enter my snow globe today.  The worry and tears are forced to retreat, replaced by a cup of tea, a good book, and soft music.  I curl in front of the fireplace and cocoon myself in the softness and warmth of a blanket.  Today my world is hushed.

I step back from the marathon of life with its frantic pace.  I stop and embrace the stillness.  I breathe in the quiet.  Today Mother Nature coaxes me to rest.  Today my world is hushed.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Choosing to Sugar-Coat



Taking a deep breath I stepped inside the abandoned steel mill building.  It was a crisp fall day in late October, and the brilliant blue sky and golden foliage contrasted dramatically with the deep shadows of the building.  It was a photography event, and it was pulling me out of my comfort zone.  It began with rather ominous guidelines from those in charge for the day.  We were advised to wear hard-toed boots, to wash the clothing we were wearing separately or even discard it when we returned home, and to update our tetanus shots.  Then there was the photography itself.  I tend to be drawn to color and objects with graceful flowing lines.  The idea of capturing images that had an industrial feel was foreign to me and a bit intimidating.  How on earth do you make abandoned and corroded objects look appealing?  So it was with a bit of trepidation that I began to chase the feeble light that was peeking in from the cracked windows high above me.  It was not long before I saw the beauty in the textures and contrasts.  And it was not long before I could be found crouched among the rust covered rubble in order to capture a shot with a perspective that most appealed to me.





Time passed as I wandered through the building with camera in hand.  Looking closer I was amazed at the unexpected beauty I found there.  A train car that seemed to have a dejected air as it sat abandoned on the tracks had a hitch that almost seemed to be an abstract piece of art.  And an even closer inspection revealed the amazing sea-like colors that surrounded it.




I was then drawn to a weathered wooden door hanging a bit askew and framed with corroded iron.  I glanced at the corrosion and then, startled, looked more closely.  Rust that is not the reddish-brown I always associated with it?  Blue?  Purple?  Yellow?  Really?



I have learned to look for the beauty in my life; to find it hidden in the silver-linings of the challenges that arise.  Most of the time I can find it, although truth be told it is not always easy to do so.  There are dark days when it seems that the light of magic and beauty has been extinguished by the shadows.
Deep down I know it is still there if I choose to see it, and it is a choice to be made.   I have been praised for being cheerful in the midst of struggle, and I have also been accused of sugar-coating the challenges of my life.  My choice is to focus on the positive and to chase the light.  There are beautiful surprises when you sugar-coat.  In that old abandoned building I noticed light beaming down onto a stepped piece of scaffolding.  I accidentally hit the shutter button on my camera as I fumbled with the tripod.  I confess to having a love/hate relationship with my tripod as it is as bulky as it is necessary.  The planned shot came out well, and I was pleased with it.


However it was only after I returned home and studied the images that I discovered the one that delighted me.  The image was captured when I hit the shutter button accidentally.  It was captured while I fumbled and struggled to capture the beauty in contrast.  The spirit and beauty of that dark abandoned building taught me a lesson that day.  Beauty and light dance in even the darkest of places.  It is always there, waiting to be discovered and embraced.