Saturday, April 29, 2017

Pieces of April



       "April gives us springtime and the promise of the flowers..." -Bread

I love springtime.  What a gift it is to sit beneath a blossom covered tree while savoring the gentle warmth of the sun, the birdsong filling the air around me, and daylight that lingers well into the evening.  My step is lighter when I walk among earth's signs of renewal and discover a rebirth of hope.

I do not enjoy winter nearly as much.  I work to bring light into those cold dark days.  I try to convince myself that it is cozy to light candles and sit in front of the fireplace sipping a cup of tea.  While that is true, I would rather have long days filled with light than days when the darkness appears much too soon.  I would rather the light come to my world with little effort from me.


"I realize that there is something incredibly honest about the trees in winter, how they're experts at letting things go." 
-Jeffrey McDaniel

Effort, however, is necessary in order to learn the lessons that winter...life...teach.   I have come to appreciate at least one of them.  The blossoms and leaves that impress the earth with their showy beauty can hide the trees' strength.  It is only with the letting go of those leaves that we are able to clearly see the trunk and limbs that stand strong against the cold winds that roar about them.  Cannot the same be said about ourselves?  That it is only when we drop our pretenses that we find our true strength?  That only when we let go of what no longer serves us can we make room for the new life that is to come?

It sometimes seems that I have been letting go for years.  Some of it is so easy it is almost fun.  I have way too much stuff in my life.  It is a good feeling to box it all up and send it on its way to someone who has a need for it.  What I find much more difficult to let go of are relationships with people I care about...with people I love.

Six years ago my father suffered from a stroke that only affected his mind.  A relatively small bleed in his brain dragged us into a new and bewildering reality.  I realized I needed to let go of the showy expectations of who my father was in order to gain the strength, understanding, and wisdom needed to appreciate who he  now showed himself to be.  Perhaps it was a truer picture of who he was at the core of his being and not, as first thought, a new person that I did not know.


And from that strength new life began to spring out in that darkness.  Dad would suddenly purposely make a funny comment which would leave me weak with laughter.  His wisdom would come out in comments such as, "People can't talk right if they think stupid."  As I let go of my expectations  I discovered  a version that also had many gifts to offer.  As he became more childlike the walls we create as adults were brought down.  As he let go of the facade of who he thought society demanded he be, he became the man he truly was.  Once released from those demands he was able to make room for the beauty in the new lessons he taught.  His strength was clearly seen.  That strength remained at the very core of who he was.  His strength was his heart.



My father reached the end of his journey on April 3rd.  I sat with him on the day of his death.  Although not truly conscious, he held my hand when I talked to him.  When I spoke of how much he was loved I felt his hand squeeze mine.  He continued to give his gifts of love and strength until the very end of his time here on earth.  They are the very gifts that will allow me to make room for new growth in  my life.  Dad, I love you to the moon and back.